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| blah, how easily I can make myself depressed. This is the problem with the stability of my emotions lately. I suppose it is more accurate to say the lack of stability. I can't concentrate on anything and even the slightest things, the slightest misinterpretations or chance happenings can set me off. I too am paranoid like Jacob. Imaginations run wild... maybe that's what makes things so tough? I can't tell I just know when things get bad, they get bad. I'm almost a defunct person again, like I was in the past. I'm barely even living, I must learn how to again.
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| It seems like I'm just waiting for something to happen. Everything I do lately is just something to delay, to keep my interest, or to try to get something to happen faster. I know nothing will happen, I can't keep myself like this but I don't know how to get out of this rut just yet. I will strive for a day when that part of me can forgive her, but it might be a little while yet. I've let go of everything else I must let go of that too, I'm trying or is it I am just waiting for something to happen still? I cannot really tell. Lord give me strength, I can't find any of my own.
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| I am stronger today than I was yesterday... but I am weaker today than I was a week ago. I hate her... I hate the ground she walks on, I hate what she did to me. At least part of me does, a significant part though... everything I have striven for has been shot to pieces by myself or what has happened to me. I feel like everything I ever did, everything I held to, was turned meaningless because she no longer holds to much of it. Everything I tried to do is suddenly pointless. There is just so much emptiness it is maddening. I almost have forgotten how to live like I was. In a months time I have changed very much from the person I was. I am no longer kind, gentle, but angry, short, and impatient. I don't care about much of anything, everything just phases by me without even so much as a worry. I dropped my great britain class, I just don't care anymore. I wasn't getting the work done, I just wasn't doing the work. Why!? I had time to do it I just... gave up. That seems to sum up who I am right now, just someone who feels like he has given up on everything.
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| I actually had a good time today, gave me a renewed feeling towards the rest of the week. I feel stronger somehow. I a lot better than I did before. I got the necessary things out of the way, I'm more comfortable and balanced than I was. All that is left to do is see how I balance out from here. I'm even back into contact with her, but it wasn't the necessity that it was before. I can keep it impersonal right now and that is fine. I had to strike a balance with this as well, I was too eager to talk too much so I had to strike out that option within myself first before I could begin to repair things. A week sure changed a lot and I feel much better. The hope is gone but with it is a sense of relief. I am no longer burdened by as many things and i can move again.
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| So begins the weekend, I actually don't have much to write. Just work, school work, and then church tomorrow. Not that it's a bad thing but it will be an interesting day I'm guessing. Hopefully it goes by easier. There are a few things I am worried about but I suppose it should be ok for a while from here on. I'm doing a little better now, rebounding faster and faster than times before. I'll just let some more time pass to figure some things out. I don't have to be shut away from the world forever though, I just need to get through midterms, haha.
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